ECLECTIC WRITER

Crossroads

Most people celebrate their wedding anniversaries with flowers, champagne, dinner and special gifts. I celebrated mine with a new car in exchange for the one whose lease was not up for yet another year.

Because my husband and I are in a divorce process since the beginning of the year, despite the gamut of emotions and grief I've lived through, I’ve been trying to accept reality for what it is. Thus, I decided to mark that special day we once celebrated like most loving couples do, in a very different manner this year.

The 2005 burgundy car was full of memories: Trips to the East Coast, driving through Atlantic Canada, boarding the Marine Atlantic ferry from North Sydney to Porte aux Basques, leaving the mainland behind, driving for hours on rugged Newfoundland terrain to reach our ‘other’ home in St John’s, chasing icebergs, puffins and whales... Countless trips to Grimsby, ON, to visit his ailing father and his brother and family who live in nearby Smithville. . . Millions of places in Montréal where we left our footprints and echoes of happy memories. . .

That's why I decided to part with the 2005 burgundy car before its lease was up.

As the saying goes, it’s always more difficult for the one left behind to cope with the memories, and silence the ghosts of a past shared with a person- especially when that person was so special and the center of my world.

Separation, brought on by betrayal is not as final as a separation brought on by mortality, although it is more painful than the latter. We had promised to love and cherish and remain faithful till death did us part, but he forgot his promises and betrayed my love and trust. Then he coldly packed up and exited out of my life, expecting me to do the same. After nine years of unconditional devotion to him, I how could I pretend as if I never existed, so I chose not to go gently into that (good) night.

I have been trying to move forward with my life, however; and the idea of parting with the car we shared seemed like a bitter-sweet move in that direction. Symbolism aside, I had to consider my budget and think in terms of my needs, now that I didn’t have to accommodate his height and comfort. Downsizing while I kept the options to which I was accustomed, would mean slightly lower monthly lease payments for me.

On the day of the exchange that would mark the start of a new anniversary, I made another stop by my bank where I keep a safety deposit box with a few pieces of jewelry I own. Among them is a beautiful Harem ring I had picked up during one of my travels to Turkey. It’s made of three gold bands embedded with emeralds, rubies, sapphires and diamonds on top. The bands are attached to each other at the base so that they stay together.

My wedding ring had become loose around my finger since the separation. Like most of my clothes, it was too large and practically falling off my ring finger. It was time to put another reminder to rest. I placed my wedding and engagement rings into the safety box and retrieved my Harem ring which fit perfectly. As I placed it on the ring finger of my left hand, I made a wish - that its elegant and courtly beauty may be a daily reminder of brighter days in store.

Then I drove to pick up my new car. It was already on the dealer’s lot, bright and shiny, ready and waiting for its new owner Me ! That was a happy yet pausing moment, but the pause didn’t last long. I pulled up right beside my new car, and snapped a souvenir photo of the two next to each other the Past and the Future.

I've been accepting that I cannot live in the past. As life continues unfolding forward, I have no choice but to keep pace with it and turn towards the light as the sunflower turns towards its god throughout the day. The steps may be small at first, but like one learning to walk again after a major shock that paralyzed my limbs, I am determined to walk again and move on - one small step at a time.

My new car has already been instrumental in reinforcing this important realization. I've always driven cars with manual shift which allow me the freedom to change gears, down shift or stop on a dime, if necessary.

I am now into the first gear of my new journey. It doesn’t take long to shift into the second gear, but I'm in no hurry accelerate. Yet, I’m also looking forward to moving into the second, third, fourth and fifth gears as I advance on life’s uncharted roads; slowing occasionally to imbibe the scenery: the hills and the valleys; the flowers and the cloud formations; and be grateful for what I have as I move on further away from a past that was not meant to be a future - for me.